Battle Line introduces new polling service that tells voters exactly what they want to hear

To help calm the nerves of anxious voters in the final weeks before the election, Battle Line has introduced a new polling service that promises to tell voters only what they want to hear.

Unlike most outlets, Battle Line understands the dirty little secret about polling: People don’t want political polls to accurately reflect reality; they want to see polls that make their candidate look good and make them feel better about their chances of winning.

So, while reality may have the race between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump as a statistical toss-up, that does little to alleviate the anxiety being felt by the American electorate.

Therefore, for just $99, Battle Line will conduct a brief phone interview with participating customers to get a sense of their political affiliation and leanings. Within two to three days, the customer will receive a poll showing that those exact preferences are broadly popular among other voters and likely to win big come Election Day.

Joni Atkinson of Massachusetts, for instance, believes Trump is an unhinged dictator who will personally shred the original copy of the Constitution, launch the Fourth Reich and force even unpregnant women to somehow give birth. She reached out to Battle Line last week.

“The poll I got back showed Trump losing 47 states, and he’s getting smoked in all the swing states,” Atkinson said, relieved. “Trump was ahead in only Idaho, Arkansas and South Dakota. I mean, who even cares about those states anyway?”

(Editor’s Note: Battle Line cares about all of its paid subscribers, no matter which state they call home.)

Conversely, Kevin Wilkins of Pennsylvania thinks Harris is a vapid buffoon who will force every American household to adopt an illegal immigrant, mandate that all men transition into women and hold Nuremburg-style tribunals for anyone, like him, who still drive a gasoline-powered vehicle.

Wilkins’ poll showed Trump ahead by double digits in every battleground state and projected to win the Electoral College 502-36.

“This truly is a great service,” Wilkins said, referring to Battle Line’s new polling initiative. “Deep down I know this may only set me up for devastating pain, confusion and outrage come November. But with these numbers, at least my October will be easy-breezy. Definitely worth the $99.”

The differences between the polls received by Atkinson (left) and Wilkins were quite stark.

Even the major party candidates themselves, Trump and Harris, have sought Battle Line’s services. Of course, each poll showed the respective candidate with significant leads, but each one also included an extra tidbit that should make the candidates feel even better.

Trump’s poll, for example, revealed that 81 percent of respondents either strongly or somewhat agreed with the following statement: “Rally crowds aren’t the only thing Donald Trump has that is really, really big. If you catch our drift.”

“Good poll. Great poll. Many people are saying it’s the best poll they’ve ever seen. And it was all about me. I like that,” Trump said.

Harris’ poll showed that a whopping 86 percent of voters think she should increase both the volume and frequency of her undeniably unique cackle.

For the millions of Americans who wish they had better options on both sides, Battle Line this week released a poll showing Fred Rogers and Betty White locked in a neck-and-neck battle for the White House.

“They’re both dead, but they’d still both be better than what we’ve got now,” the country said.

If only.