Biden's Re-Election Strategy: Keep the door closed
Latest shakeup could be just what Biden needs to secure a second term
Capitol Hill was abuzz this week over a Wall Street Journal report that suggested, behind closed doors, President Joe Biden has lost a few mph on his cognitive fastball. The article, which mostly quoted Republicans, noted that in closed-door meetings, Biden commonly whispers very quietly, often repeats himself, uses notecards for communicating basic messages and appears to occasionally fall asleep.
Democrats in Washington and leftwing pundits bristled at the story, insisting that, despite his occasional gaffes and flubs in public, behind those same closed doors the president exhibits intellectual wizardry and sharp-as-a-tack cognition.
So much so, in fact, that campaign advisors plan to incorporate more closed doors into Biden’s re-election strategy.
“We’re aware that President Biden isn’t always the most eloquent or crisp when he speaks in public,” said campaign manager Julie Chavez Rodriguez. “But behind closed doors, he is really smart and alert. I mean, it’s like night and day. Wow is he sharp! So our team brainstormed about how to get closed-door Biden in front of the American electorate. Then it dawned on us: Take the door with us on the campaign trail.”
So the campaign embarked on finding just the right door behind which Biden performed best, settling on a custom-built, light-brown wooden door with a golden knob. “Biden seemed most cogent behind this one,” Rodriguez said, pointing at the selected door.
There was only one problem: The door was so large and heavy that it took up to three staffers to erect it at campaign events. Enter former world champion weightlifter Grigori Gregorov, who was hired as the campaign’s doorman on June 3rd.
“Door heavy. Me strong,” Gregorov told Battle Line while setting up for an event in Philadelphia. “Stage have door now.”
The new approach is already paying dividends as the public has noticed a marked improvement in the 46th president.
“It’s remarkable,” said Sherry Smith, 44, an independent voter from Alexandria, Virginia. “Biden always fumbled around a lot during his speeches and often looked lost. But put a door in front of him and he sounds 20, 30 years younger. I was on the fence before, but now I’m definitely voting for him.”
The presidential election is still more than five months away. But thus far, Biden’s new closed-door strategy appears to be providing just the kind of jolt his campaign needed.
Democratic operatives said the same campaign strategy might also be helpful for their opponent, Donald Trump. They’ve even graciously volunteered to help Trump execute the plan by putting the former president behind a closed door in a small, concrete room for the next two to four years.