ChiefsAholic, convicted Kansas City werewolf, labeled a 'problem prisoner'
ChiefsAholic, the Kansas City superfan sentenced to 32 years in prison for robbing multiple banks, is not adjusting well to his new environment. Circumstances that some had predicted, considering ChiefsAholic is a human-sized werewolf.
“Thus far, he is what we classify as a ‘problem prisoner,’” said Lawrence Moss, a K-9 specialist hired by the Oklahoma Department of Corrections to watch over the new inmate. “Between his lack of potty-training and aggressively stealing food from other prisoners, ChiefsAholic is no walk in the park.”
“He slurped up my last few bites of applesauce right in front of me,” one inmate said. “I said, ‘Boy, you better mind your own business or I will f*** you up.’ Then he showed me his teeth and…and…I’ll say it…I got scared. But I got over it pretty quick, I ain’t no b****. I’m not in here for bestiality, but he best watch his back, that’s all I’ll say.”
Before being directed back to his cell, the inmate emphasized that he does not hate animals; he just hates being disrespected.
But what has turned the other inmates against ChiefsAholic more than anything else is his incessant late-night howling. In fact, ChiefsAholic has already been moved out of his initial cell, which was located next to an overhead hallway light that shone 24 hours a day.
“Dude, he would not…shut…up,” said an inmate who occupied an adjacent cell. “It was just ‘Ahhh-wooooooo’ all night long. I’d pound on the wall and tell him to knock it off - that’s not the f****** moon, I’d say - but I think that just made it worse.”
Then there was the time ChiefsAholic bit the thigh of a guard who was guiding him outside with a leash to go potty, missing a major artery by just a few centimeters. Had it not been for an alert member of security pumping two tranquilizer darts into the wolf’s neck, the guard would have been a goner.
ChiefsAholic was convicted for stealing $850,000 from 11 different banks, much of which he used to afford football tickets and fuel his gambling addiction. He used the rest of the money to build a nest. Not a nest egg, to be clear, but rather a nest that he constructed in a nearby woods to help him stay warm.
But how exactly did ChiefsAholic go so long without others noticing he was not, like them, a human being?
Four words: “Welcome to Arrowhead Stadium.”
“He never struck me as abnormal,” said one fan who had season tickets in a neighboring section. “I mean, sure, he peed on the ushers and licked his crotch a lot, but that’s not the strangest thing I’ve ever seen at a Chiefs game. Not even close. Hell, by the end of the game, after guzzling beers since dawn, our whole section would be howling at the moon - and it was only four o’clock.
“As a matter of fact, for a werewolf - and a Chiefs fan - I think he was pretty well behaved.”
Federal officials have already broached the subject of having ChiefsAholic put down should his erratic prison behavior not improve. “But we’d have to be careful not to incite the animal rights crowd - talk about rabid,” said one official who requested anonymity for fear of triggering a protest on his newly fertilized front lawn.