Chuck E. Cheese taken into police custody as NYC targets exploding rat population
Plus: Meet New York's first rat czar
BRONX, New York—The decision by New York Mayor Eric Adams to hire a rat czar to control the city’s massive rodent population has already paid off. Late last night, the NYPD announced that officers had taken corrupt children’s restaurant magnate Chuck E. Cheese into custody.
Mr. Cheese, best known as the kid-friendly rat mascot for the restaurant bearing his name, also has a criminal side that involves the trafficking of drugs and firearms, as well as close ties to the rodent mafia. In addition, Cheese’s restaurants – with their many games, prizes and greasy foods – are considered a leading culprit in the skyrocketing rates of obesity and gambling addiction among youths.
While there is no known proof that Cheese ever engaged in inappropriate behavior with children, prosecutors say they plan to throw in a charge or two “for the hell of it.”
Despite being the largest and most cartoonish member of his species, Cheese blended into New York with relative ease as the city has become so overrun with rats in recent years.
But within 24 hours of Mayor Adams hiring Kathleen Corradi as the city’s first rat czar, Cheese was pinched, securing a major political victory for Adams in his fight against both rodent overpopulation and organized crime.
Meet New York City’s Rat Czar
Compared to how Rat Czar Kathleen Corradi intends to take down most of New York City’s rats, Cheese should consider himself lucky.
She plans to use the bulk of her department’s funding on setting massive mouse traps all over the city’s sidewalks, subway tunnels and sewer lines. In fact, parts of the city have been turned into a kind of rodent torture theme park, with thousands of traps already surrounding Rockefeller Plaza, equipped with chunks of cheddar, mounds of peanut butter and clumps of fresh bread.
There have been some bumps in the road. Although the traps have already nabbed 253 rats and six Fortune 500 CEOs, they have also reeled in 66 cats, 28 dogs and 13 kids. Corradi brushed it off. “Can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs,” she said.
The remainder of her allotted budget has been earmarked for the purchase of 1.5 million pitchforks, to be given to city residents on a first-come, first-served basis. Those individuals will be expected to carry the pitchforks with them while walking through the city and to spike “those little bastards” through the heart whenever they see one.
The mayor’s office has created a new page on its website that features dozens of delicious rat recipes, ranging from stews to casseroles and even sushi. “It’s not enough just to kill them and let them lay,” Corradi said. “We might as well benefit from their nutritional value.”
During her introductory press conference, Corradi dressed up like a rat, the same outfit she wears during staff meetings and strategy sessions in order to “get into the mind of the vermin.”
Her take-no-prisoners approach has reminded some New Yorkers of Bill Murray’s character in Caddyshack, in which Murray spends the entire film trying to outsmart a destructive gopher. Residents shudder a bit when recalling the movie ends with Murray blowing up the golf course with dynamite.
Corradi said she was born for this role. She grew up like any normal kid, walking around the backyard at night stabbing rodents with pointy sticks, watching them slowly bleed out and then skinning their hides. “Seeing them struggle and squirm for a few minutes before finally succumbing to their eternal slumber gave me a high like nothing else,” she said. A few weeks later, she would dig up their burial sites to play with the bones. She was also a first-chair clarinet in high school.
She has lofty ambitions and hopes to use her current role as a springboard to someday become pigeon czar and eventually president of the United States.
I'm sorry to hear about Mr. Cheese's predicament. Fortunately Mr. Mouse (better known as Mickey) does not take up residence in NYC. He has his own hardships with the Florida Governor.