CRITIC’S CORNER: Barbie, Oppenheimer trailers - Part I
Why watch movies when the trailers are so much shorter?
I have not watched Barbie or Oppenheimer. But if you think that’s going to keep me from writing a review of each, you’d be mistaken.
There are two main reasons why I have yet to see the films:
I almost never watch a movie within a year of its release. For several months last year, Top Gun: Maverick seemed to be the only movie anyone was talking about. Friend after friend raved about how good it was, so I knew I had to watch it. Which I did for the first time last week.
For four out of every five movies I watch, my initial takeaway is that it was too long. The fifth movie is usually fine because it was either reasonably short or so long that I didn’t even try to stay awake past the first half hour.
Watching Barbie (two hours) and Oppenheimer (three hours!) would, I fear, lead me to that same conclusion. I’ve heard of some people watching them back-to-back. Just imagine sitting in a chair and looking at a screen for five hours straight. Any population who fell into a habit like that might very well be staring down the barrel of an obesity crisis.
But these movies have hijacked too much of the public’s attention for me not to add my two cents. So on Sunday, somewhere between hours five and six of watching British Open coverage, I decided to review trailers for each of the movies.
The great thing about trailers, I’ve noticed, is that they are often substantially shorter than the films themselves. In the case of Barbie and Oppenheimer, the trailers were 97 and 98 percent shorter, respectively.
Below is the first of a two-part series. Today, we begin with Barbie.
Everything starts out hunky-dory in Barbie Land, especially for manufacturers of pink housepaint. The dolls convene for a dance party and one says, “This is the best day ever.” Barbie – the main character played by Margot Robbie – agrees.
But then, Barbie says the one line that has been ruining dance parties for generations: “Do you guys ever think about dying?” she asks. The music stops. End scene.
Next, we find Barbie talking to her friends about some unwanted changes occurring in her life, including her feet becoming flat. Judging by the other barbies’ reactions, this is not a positive development. And their assessment is correct.
Flat feet are no joke. When I was in junior high, a player on our basketball team suffered from flat feet and it severely hindered his playing time. He was slow, uncoordinated and generally untalented. I wasn’t very good either, but fortunately we had enough talent on the team that we managed to finish with almost a .500 record.
Her flat feet lead Barbie to seek advice from another barbie, where she is instructed to travel to the “real world.” Barbie hops in her car and begins driving, eventually realizing that Ken (Ryan Gosling) has been in the backseat the whole time. What a creep!
She screams. He says, “I’m going with ya.” She gives in.
Despite typing “Real World” into Google Maps, her GPS instead takes her to Los Angeles. Barbie and Ken go rollerblading through town as people stare and laugh. A guy walks up behind Barbie and smacks her on the butt. She turns around and punches him in the face, just as Mama Cass’s “Make Your Own Kind of Music” plays. Great song!
This triggers a montage of people dancing but also being very confused that Barbie is in the real world. “If this got out, this could mean extremely weird things for our world,” says Will Ferrel.
Presumably, the extended cut – i.e. the movie – would elaborate on what he means. But another great thing about movie trailers is that they allow viewers to use their imagination to fill in the gaps.
Barbie and Ken are fingerprinted in jail. Barbie appears to hate the process, while Ken seems to enjoy it, clearly ignorant of the kind of treatment a guy like him might experience behind bars.
Text pops onto the screen that reads, “If you love Barbie, this movie is for you.” A few moments later, on-screen text reads, “If you hate Barbie, this movie is for you.” The trailer misses an opportunity by failing to address what is probably the largest demographic: Those who are indifferent to Barbie.
Back comes a determined Will Ferrell, saying, “No one rests until this doll is back in a box.”
Then a bunch of random clips of Barbie being chased.
Suddenly, Barbie is sitting on a bench next to a smiling, old woman named Ruth, who says, “Humans only have one ending; ideas live on forever.” Strangers sharing unsolicited, inspirational slogans is common in Los Angeles.
That pretty much concludes the Barbie trailer. While I wish it would have revealed more of the plot and given away the ending, thus eliminating any remaining desire to see the film, I still give the trailer solid marks for saving me a lot of time compared to the real thing.
Time I have since devoted to writing 580 words about a movie I haven’t seen.
On a scale of 1 to 5, I give the Barbie trailer 3.75 drum solos.
