CRITIC'S CORNER: Get Sleepy (podcast)

“Get Sleepy” combines long stories told in excruciating detail with the soft monotone voice of the reader. For example, a story’s character does not merely take a walk through the woods. He stops every few feet to notice the way the leaves sway back and forth from the soft, warm breeze, the calm babble of an adjacent brook providing a soothing backdrop. There are no death-defying encounters with alligators or the screams of a nearby hiker who just fell and broke his leg.

This combination of story and voice is designed to help the listener drift off to sleep. Judging by this listener’s failure to ever hear the ending of one of these stories, I must say it is effective.

But in times of lucidity, I can’t help but think of the individuals who write these tales. Much like the people listening, do they ever fall asleep while writing them? Do they ever get lazy toward the end of the stories, assuming, by that point, that no one is listening anyway?

What is the dialogue at cocktail parties?

Guest to Writer: “What do you do for a living, Greg?”

Writer: “I write stories that put people to sleep.”

Guest: “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure you write wonderful stories.”

Writer: “I like to think so, too. That’s why everyone falls asleep during them.”

Guest, confused: "Have you tried the bacon-wrapped dates? They're to die for."

Or perhaps it works a different way. Could it be that the podcast’s producers scour the literary horizon in search of stories dull enough to fit their purpose?

[Phone rings]

Gertrude: “Hello.”

Producer: “Hello, Gertrude? Hi, I just wanted to say that I think your story about the caterpillar crawling through the tall grass was excellent!”

Gertrude: “Really?! Oh my gosh, thank you so much! I think it might be my best work.”

Producer: “I’m sure it is. That is why, with your permission, I’d like to read it on my podcast, which thousands of people listen to every night. How does that sound to you?”

Gertrude: “Oh my gosh! This is the big break I’ve been waiting for. Of course you can read it on your podcast! What is the podcast called?”

Producer: “It’s called ‘Get Sleepy.’ We read stories we think will help put people to sleep.”

Gertrude, after a long pause: “Do I at least get paid?”

Each episode does contain a few minutes of advertisements, but they are mostly in the beginning and can be easily skipped. If there are ads later in the episode, I am unaware because by then I am sawing logs. Besides, who really cares if there are ads later in the episode if the sandman has already paid you a visit?

To cover our asses from any potential liability, Battle Line strongly advises you NOT listen to this podcast while operating heavy machinery, holding a small child or attending a loved one’s funeral. And please talk to your doctor to see if sleep is right for you.

This may be unfair, but because I always fall asleep while using this product and therefore have not heard the podcast in its entirety, I will not be giving it a perfect review. Instead, on a scale of 1 to 5, Battle Line gives the “Get Sleepy” podcast 4.5 drum solos.