Eco-conscious rioters switching to battery-powered Molotov cocktails for future Tesla bombings
To mitigate their carbon footprint, eco-conscious rioters have announced they are switching to electric Molotov cocktails for future bombings of Tesla vehicles, dealerships and charging stations.
“With this decision, we are proudly showing our commitment to fighting climate change and to preserving the environment for the generations that follow,” said Ray West, a Tesla bomber from Elko, Nevada. “We only have one planet, and it is up to us to nurture and protect it.”
Traditional Molotov cocktails contain a bottle filled with a flammable liquid such as gasoline. A wick is then placed in the bottle, ignited and thrown at the intended target. Upon impact, the object shatters, igniting the fluid within and causing a much larger fire.
The devices have been used recently to bomb Tesla vehicles and charging stations by rioters protesting company founder Elon Musk’s role in Donald Trump’s administration. Such tactics have been widely scrutinized, however, due to their negative environmental impact. That is until now, thanks to new technology.
Carlos Chapman, an electrical engineer from Slocomb, Alabama, who terrorizes Tesla dealerships on weekends, touted the environmental benefits of Molotov 2.0.
“The days of gas-guzzling Molotov cocktails are over,” he said. “The batteries in modern projectiles will help reduce CO2 levels in the environment. And because they are rechargeable, they’re a lot lighter on the wallet too!”
Pressed on whether blowing up vehicles and thus launching giant clouds of poisonous black smoke into the atmosphere might defeat any progress made on the environmental front, Chapman was unfazed.
“Look, we can only control what we can control,” he said. “We’re going to blow up things we don’t like. We’re rioters. That’s what we do. But we are always looking to maximize chaos and destruction while minimizing our environmental impact. If Teslas release dangerous chemicals and pollutants when they burst into flames, then that’s on Elon.”