Following another embarrassing upset, Purdue aims to secure lower seed in 2024 NCAA Tournament
Plus: Creepy men spotted in Ukraine; Biden to give Carter eulogy
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Following another embarrassing upset, Purdue aims to secure lower seed in 2024 NCAA Tournament
After his team suffered another humiliating early-round upset in the NCAA Tournament, Purdue men’s basketball coach Matt Painter unveiled his strategy to ensure it doesn’t happen again next year: Play worse during the regular season and earn a lower seed in the tourney.
The Boilermakers became just the second No. 1 seed in history to lose to a 16 seed, dropping their opener Friday night to Fairleigh Dickinson. Purdue has earned a top-four spot in each of the past three seasons, but has lost to the 13, 15 and 16 seeds, respectively.
“We’re taking a completely different approach next season,” said Painter, who will be entering his 19th year at the helm in West Lafayette. “You can expect us to go maybe 10-9 in the conference, 11-8 at best. And instead of winning the Big Ten tournament, we’ll try to lose in the second round.”
Painter said that should put his team in the middle of the pack when it comes to postseason selection. “We’re hoping for roughly a seven seed, or perhaps a spot in the coveted eight-versus-nine matchup,” he said. “That way, if we lose in the first round – which we are likely to do – nobody will think much of it because we won’t be expected to go very far anyway. And if we win in the first round, then we’re guaranteed to be the underdog in round two. It doesn’t get any better than that.”
“Losing to a 16 or 15 seed feels absolutely awful,” he continued. “To all of Boilermaker Nation, I promise next season will be different.”
Since announcing his unconventional strategy, Painter has received widespread praise from the media. “That’s why he’s one of the best coaches in college basketball,” said Big Ten Network analyst Andy Katz. “He’s always thinking outside the box.”
NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH: Two creepy old men spotted wandering through playground in Mariupol
The city of Mariupol, Ukraine, has sent out a “Neighborhood Watch” after two creepy old men were spotted walking through a playground late Saturday night. Surveillance footage captured the pair talking to one another as they casually strolled past the jungle gym. Moments later, the two convened at a nearby wooden desk, a mandatory piece of equipment on any playground claiming to be fun.
“I don’t know who these guys are, but they look like a couple-a thugs up to no good,” said one woman who lives nearby and who requested anonymity in case the men are dangerous. “Especially the balding fella on the right. I hope he catches cold.”
“That playground is for the children, not for strangers struttin’ through town like they own the place,” said another. “And if they must be here, then use the swing set or the monkey bars or something. Keep your grubby hands off the wooden desk. That’s my son’s favorite thing to play with. He sits there for hours, pretending like he’s a grownup. It’s adorable.”
While the two men have yet to be identified, they are believed to be very important, as evidenced by the fancy spreadsheets they kept pointing at. Additionally, their ability to afford printing documents in color likely indicates vast amounts of wealth.
Anyone with information as to the identity or whereabouts of the two men are encouraged to contact the Mariupol Recreation & Parks Department.
Biden agrees to give Jimmy Carter’s eulogy, humbly requests Carter do the same for him
Former President Jimmy Carter asked President Joe Biden to give his eulogy, Biden disclosed last week. Biden immediately accepted, describing it as an “incredible honor.”
“After accepting President Carter’s invitation, I then asked if he would do the same for me,” Biden continued.
“We’ll see how I’m feeling that day,” Carter reportedly said with a smirk. To which Biden replied without expression, “Of course, of course, only if you’re feeling up to it.”
Biden’s remarks left reporters dumbfounded, as they understood that the 98-year-old Carter was clearly making a joke that went over Biden’s head.
“Mr. President, do you know what a eulogy is?” NBC’s Kristen Welker asked.
“Don’t get smart with me, Jack,” Biden said as he walked off the stage.
To this day, Welker’s question remains unanswered.