Op-Ed: I’m looking to date older women. Will you help me?
By: Leonardo DiCaprio
Some of you may have read an article about me a few weeks back in the UK Daily Mail. The article summarized my history of dating only women who are significantly younger than me – under 25 specifically.
It even included this helpful chart:
If you read the article, then I want to start by saying thank you. It means a lot that you took time out of your day to read about my personal life. Us actor types thrive on the public paying attention to us both on and off the screen. We need attention like most people need oxygen, and it doesn’t always matter whether the story is positive. Whenever you hear someone in Hollywood asking people to “respect my privacy,” that person is usually either lying or has just been charged with a felony.
But back to the Daily Mail article. You may have also noticed where it said that I am really bothered by the reputation I’ve earned and that I am looking for a “real, mature romance.” That part is also true. I am serious about turning my image around, and I am respectfully asking you, the readers, to help me.
I’ve done the math. Based on the graph above, the average age of the women I date is 22 years. Now that I am 48, I realize that that is quite a discrepancy. I also realize that me simply dating, say, a 30- or 35-year-old wouldn’t do much to improve my image, since the average would still remain so low.
In fact, if I began dating a 30-year-old today, we would have to stay together for 19 years before the average age of my partners reached 30. By that time, I would be 67. That’s not going to cut it. People would say, “That guy is almost 70 and he normally dates women in their early 30s. Creep.”
My goal, therefore, is to boost the average age of my romantic partners, and quickly. To do that, I need to start dating women who are much, much older. Take the example above, but instead of the woman being 30, replace her with a woman who just turned 70. In this case, it would take me a little over three years to reach an average of 30. By that time, I would only be 52.
Then, let’s say I had a two-year relationship with a woman who had just achieved octogenarian status. After that, I would be dating, on average, 35-year-olds by the time I’m 54. By then we’re reaching the realm of respectability.
Now you’re probably asking: Won’t it be a big adjustment to go from dating women in their early 20s to dating women who have been collecting social security for close to a decade? No question. But if I wasn’t serious about putting in the work, then I would not have penned this column in the first place.
I’ve been meeting with advisors, and I have learned a lot, such as how elderly women think flying in a private jet sounds “lovely,” but that they might have to decline because high altitudes make their ankles swell up. I completely understand. If I am fortunate enough to enter a loving relationship with someone in her 70s or – God willing! – 80s, I promise to use my private jet only when traveling to faraway climate conferences. Everyone knows how important that issue is to me. As soon as the conference is over, I will speed back to the states to be with my new boo.
In addition, I have gradually started eating dinner earlier, usually shaving off about 10 minutes per week. As of this writing, I am eating at around 6:40 every night, so I still have a long way to go. But the important thing is that I’m making progress.
Coinciding with earlier dinners is of course watching the evening news. I use the clicker to flip around sometimes, but I’m partial to ABC’s “World News Tonight” – that David Muir is a real hunk. Wouldn’t you agree, ladies? Don’t worry, you won’t hurt my feelings.
For so many years, my pickup line at bars has been, “Wanna do shots? Something with lots of sugar, I hope!” A little clunky, I admit, but it worked every time. However, lately I’ve been practicing a new one: “Do you know where I can find the nearest shuffleboard court? I’ve been dying to play.”
My advisors have cautioned against using the word “dying,” but otherwise they think it’s airtight.
This is where you, the reader, can help. Do you know of any mothers, grandmothers, widows, etc. in your community who might be interested in dating a movie star? If so, please pass along this column. Be sure to increase the font size to at least 18 before sending.
Or, if it’s easier, they can email me at ldicaprio@aol.com. (My advisors think using AOL will yield a higher rate of success.) Be aware that you may need to type the email for them. In the process, make sure they understand that I am looking for something long-term and not just a one-night stand.
Thank you for your help. As you know, my image means the world to me, so anything you can do to help me improve it is greatly appreciated.