Quick Thoughts: ESPN swings and misses at Fenway Park
We close out 2024 with a new segment titled “Quick Thoughts,” where we provide commentary on a recent item in the news or pop culture in short, bite-sized portions.
Our first installment takes us to Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts. Normally home to the Boston Red Sox, on December 28 it hosted the Wasabi Fenway Bowl, which pitted Connecticut against North Carolina.
Midway through the third quarter, with Connecticut leading 27-7, this happened:
Video credit: Awful Announcing | Link to video
1. First, shame on North Carolina for delivering such a lackluster performance as to make these few minutes far and away the most entertaining part of the broadcast.
2. On second thought, shame on me for devoting part of my Saturday afternoon to watching this game at all. Our time on this earth is precious and finite, and weekends are not meant to be spent watching two basketball programs playing a football game inside a baseball stadium.
3. On to the wiffleball portion: Watching Caroline, the pitcher, be either unwilling or incapable of adjusting her approach became infuriating. It doesn’t take Red Sox legend Pedro Martinez to figure out that she should have backed away from the hitter, dropped to a knee and lobbed them more softly into the strike zone, rather than drilling one after another directly at his belly button. My yelling, “Learn from your mistakes!” at the television also proved futile.
4. Once it became clear he would not be getting any quality pitches, Coley Harvey should have tossed the ball up to himself, like a high school coach hitting fungoes during pregame warmups. Toward the end, Harvey tries to salvage the segment by swinging at some truly horrendous pitches, all of which deservedly come up empty.
Video credit: Awful Announcing | Link to video
5. Harvey then jumps into the left field snowbank to give the impression he is still having fun. But in no universe was that snowbank designed for cute, cuddly snow angels. It was built by a grizzled 56-year-old New England native snowplow operator who isn’t interested in laying down soft blankets of snow. His duty is to efficiently transfer it from Point A to Point B; not to anticipate that in a few hours a finely manicured and exuberant young lad with a microphone would risk spine and ribs to save an otherwise yawner of a football game. That snowbank could have sunk his career like its much stockier great, great grandfather humbled the Titanic some years ago.
6. How fitting that the segment concluded with North Carolina going three-and-out and punting. At least that part made sense.
7. Following the game, I pondered why this episode upset me so much. A grown man in his recliner becoming irritated at the antics of a sideline reporter during a game the entire world had already forgotten. The reason, I determined, was quite simple: While I didn’t know this about myself entering Saturday morning, I really wanted to see whether someone could hit a wiffleball over Fenway’s Green Monster. Does it require a uniquely heroic feat of strength and a lucky gust of wind? Or is it easier than one might imagine?
8. I—and I suspect much of America—would like to know. And we came oh so close to finding out. But that was taken away from us thanks to poor pitching and a hitter who refused to take matters into his own hands. This void in our knowledge is something we will all need to learn to accept as we enter the new year.
And on that note: Happy New Year indeed! Thank you for reading and subscribing to Battle Line in 2024. Please stay tuned in 2025 and share this publication with your friend(s)!