REPORT: Fiery crash involving OSU team bus caused by stolen road signs outside Michigan Stadium

The Ohio State football program narrowly avoided tragedy yesterday as the team’s bus veered off the road and into an electric pole a mile outside Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Thankfully, for the first time that day, the offensive line opened gaps wide enough for their teammates to squeeze through, allowing everyone to escape mere moments before the bus burst into flames.

Because of their heroic acts, the most serious injuries sustained were to morale and ego, which medics linked to the team’s third consecutive loss to their bitter rivals.

Shortly after arriving to the scene, law enforcement officers identified the cause of the accident: The stop sign at the intersection of Boardwalk Drive and Eisenhower Parkway was missing. A quick scan of the area also found three more missing stop signs, as well as a “Yield,” “Do Not Enter,” “Move Over” and “Slow Children At Play.”

“Looks like somebody’s been stealing signs in Ann Arbor,” said the lead investigator, dramatically removing his sunglasses as if expecting a suspenseful commercial break to ensue.

After a few moments of confused silence, the officers split into two groups. A handful headed toward Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh’s home, the others toward the residence of former Wolverines assistant Connor Stalions, the most notorious sports outlaw north of the Mason-Dixon.

Upon noticing flashing lights in his driveway, Harbaugh barreled through his backdoor and was spotted hopping a fence and running full speed toward the NFL. Michigan residents have been asked to keep an eye out for an intensely awkward man wearing khaki pants and thick glasses.

By contrast, Stalions eventually confessed to the crime and was taken into custody. No amount of training could have prepared the officers for what they were about to find in Stalions’ basement: Hundreds upon hundreds of road signs from all over eastern and southern Michigan. The ghastly scene caused one officer to faint. Another stormed back up the stairs and out the door just in time to vomit in the front yard.

His thievery has already been linked to more than six dozen highway accidents, including 24 fatalities.

Stalions confessed to being addicted to sign-stealing since middle school and said the opportunity to work for the University of Michigan had allowed him to use his illness in a more constructive way. Being fired earlier this year had sent him into a downward spiral.

Ohio State coach Ryan Day did not immediately respond to a request for comment. Around 8:30 p.m. Saturday night, he was found standing at midfield inside Michigan Stadium, still arguing with a line judge regarding a controversial touchdown call that had occurred seven hours earlier.

When he had finished his rant, he was surprised to find the stadium empty and the lights turned off, only to be informed that the game was over and that his team had lost again.

In a statement, the NCAA said it is opening its own investigation into the incident involving Ohio State’s team bus and hopes to release its findings by January 2038.