Secret Service partners with Able Roofing company to train agents how to traverse low-sloped surfaces

The United States Secret Service today announced it has signed a $1.6 million contract with central Ohio-based Able Roofing company to train agents how to traverse low-sloped surfaces.

The news comes just over a week after a rooftop gunman’s failed assassination attempt on Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump at a rally in Butler, Pennsylvania. The shots left one man dead and others injured and bloodied Trump’s right ear.

When asked how the perpetrator was able to get off the shots at Trump, Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle explained, in part, that the slope of the roof on which the gunman perched could have presented safety concerns to Secret Service agents.

Cheatle’s explanation has since been the subject of intense ridicule and mockery, considering just how low-pitched and gradual the slope of the roof really is. In fact, a Battle Line investigation discovered that the roof is so un-sloped that most rainwater evaporates before reaching the building’s gutters.

Critics argue the tragedy is a direct result of Cheatle’s recent effort to hire more agents who suffer from vertigo. “For as long as I’m the director, the Secret Service will be the most inclusive and diverse agency in the United States government. I will never apologize for that,” Cheatle rebuffed.

Despite the obvious heroism and bravery of Secret Service agents, the incident last week nevertheless made clear the need to train agents how to maneuver slightly sloped rooftops. Enter Able Roofing, headquartered about 20 minutes northeast of downtown Columbus.

“This contract is huge for our company and for the state of Ohio,” said Able Roofing President Ryan Huyghe. “Being entrusted to train the people who keep our nation’s leaders safe – with the exception of last week, of course – is a huge honor, and a responsibility we take very seriously.”

More than 150 roofing companies across the United States entered a bid for the federal contract, among which Able was selected thanks largely to its ever-so-memorable jingle. “As we were narrowing down our selection, every few minutes I kept singing, ‘Call Able for the proof, 444-ROOF,” Cheatle said. “Once that tune gets in your head, it stays there.”

“At first, I didn’t know if I wanted to take on such an important responsibility,” said Able Project Manager Branden Wilkins. “But after I saw the kinds of barely sloped surfaces we would be dealing with, I signed up right away. These will be some of the safest roofs I’ve climbed onto in a long time.”

As stipulated in the contract, Able will also patch a section of roof at the White House that has been leaking water into the Oval Office since the George W. Bush administration. “A lot of people say nothing ever gets done in Washington,” said Huyghe. “After seeing the extent of that leak, I tend to agree with them.”