Super Bowl LVII: The NFL season ends tonight. You can bet on that.

I’ve always thought that watching football with fantasy-sports enthusiasts was insufferable. They could never just enjoy the game. They always longed for something more. It wasn’t enough for the preferred team to score; they needed the preferred player on the preferred team to score. That, you see, was the only way to achieve ultimate happiness. Anything less was like the kid at a birthday party who just unwrapped his most-desired toy, only to flip over the box and discover: “Batteries not included.”

This played out in the opposite direction as well. The team for which we were cheering may have given up a late, back-breaking touchdown, all but ensuring bitter defeat. But if the player who scored that back-breaking touchdown happened to be on one’s fantasy team, then – Hallelujah! – everything is going to be OK.

Granted, this situation didn’t occur all that often, as I preferred only to hang out with friends whose fantasy teams were well out of contention. But now, with legal sports betting finally washing onto the shores of Ohio, I expect it to become much more prevalent.

So prevalent, in fact, that the State of Ohio is being extra cautious to make sure Ohioans are protected. A few sports betting sites have been fined by the state for misleading advertising tactics or for failing to include requisite disclaimers. Caesars Sportsbook, for instance, paid a $150,000 fine for not including a disclaimer that warned Ohio gamblers that betting on the Cleveland Browns to win “is likely to cause harm to one’s bank account and therefore is highly discouraged.”

While I believe people are responsible for their own actions – including for their bets – I applaud Governor DeWine for understanding that Browns fans are certain to spiral into financial ruin betting on a team that will never love them back. It is shameful that Caesars was willing to take advantage of the perpetual blind spot of such a tortured fanbase without issuing a proper warning.

Ohioans can now place bets on the basics: Spread, moneyline, over/under, player yards, touchdown scorers, etc. But while Ohio has loosened the girdle on these activities, there are still a laundry list of things that cannot be gambled on, such as on the commercials or halftime show, color of Gatorade on the sideline, or the length of the National Anthem. The rationale is that there are people out there who have inside information on these items, which could call into question the integrity of those bets. The bets, therefore, need to be based on what happens on the field during the course of play.

We also are not allowed to bet on the result of the coin toss, which I find overly restrictive. After all, it does occur on the field and, if you ask me, would be awfully difficult to fake. It would also give the sports-betting analysts that are suddenly flooding the airwaves something else to talk about:

“Head referee Carl Cheffers stands 5 feet, 7 inches tall. He is left-handed and positions the coin on his fist at an offset of three-quarters of an inch to the right. The starting position of his coin-flips is just slightly above his belt, and, on average, they fly no higher than six inches over his head. The coin, therefore, has a probability of flipping 36.5 times before landing. Considering the stadium’s retractable roof will be open and an expected south-southwest wind at 9 mph and very low humidity, I’m predicting the coin toss to come up tails. Take it to the bank!”

In reality, to reach this conclusion the commentator merely flipped a coin on the studio set just prior to going on air. He made up the rest of the commentary in the interest of filling the entire segment. Such are the joys of 24/7 news and analysis.

Finally, for those who do not pay attention to football but will be attending a Super Bowl party, do not be overwhelmed by the behavior of the invested sports fans around you. Sports-betting is fun and exciting, but it is also chaotic. Each play will likely generate an outburst of some kind, as the outcome of the game is not the only thing that is important. Individual player performances can also make or break a bettor.

Do not be alarmed if there is someone at the party rocking back and forth in the corner, whispering, “Throw it to Kelce. Throw it to Kelce. Throw it to Kelce.” He’ll snap out of it by the end of the night.

Before we part, here are five other things I’ll be looking for during Super Bowl LVII:

Who will be this year’s FTX? That is, which company will spend millions on Super Bowl advertising for their product that will “forever change the world,” only to have their unbathed millennial CEO in gym clothes and a rat-nest hairdo be perp-walked on national television eight months later for committing a level of fraud that could make even a member of Congress blush?

There are sure to be several celebrities in attendance. Will we see Leonardo DiCaprio with his new girlfriend Eden Polani? We hear she gets a detention if she is late for homeroom again, so it’s doubtful she will stay for the whole game.

There have been multiple reports that a giant balloon may be flying overhead during the game. How will the Biden administration respond?

With it being so front and center in the nation’s attention, how many times will the topic of sports betting be mentioned during the broadcast? I’m taking the over at 2.5.

If either quarterback gets injured and is forced to leave the game, will Tom Brady come out of retirement a second time and lead yet another last-minute Super Bowl-winning drive?

Alright, enough delay. My prediction for Super Bowl LVII: Chiefs 30, Eagles 27.

Take it to the bank!